Tomorrow at 01:00am I leave for Barcelona — another chapter in the series of unpredictable returns. What is it to bring ? Last summer I made a return to the very city that made me realize I wanted to spend my life capturing life around me ( that is, in essence, it ) and then ended up disappointing me three years later. Sitting here, in Ljubljana, I can't see how Barcelona could turn out to be the same disappointment upon second visit, but fact is it better not happen because I've considered living there once, despite my profound dislike for the Catalan language ( to me it looks like a crazy mix of Spanish, French and Portuguese, not clear in the least bit, which is, for example, something that I find very appealing in French )

I am taking my polaroid camera, a ton of expired film and a point&shoot. My Canon AE-1 is too valuable to be taken on such a trip and I would die if something happened to it, although I'm equally dying because I won't be able to capture Barcelona with it, but I know I will return again... I would like to spend weeks in cities just taking photos, nothing else, and it's exactly what I'm going to pursue when the time is right. Whenever I go somewhere, the first thing I think about is what camera(s) I'm going to take because not every camera suits every city. I don't understand why I'm so drawn to capturing ( = saving ) things around me when at the same time I do everything in my power to escape my surroundings wherever I am. This summer I'm going to Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia, Turkey, possibly England. I'm going to divide the remaining time between visiting Piran & people and somewhat parading around Lj., going to restaurants, taking photos... This is is my last summer as a non-adult and the thought of this is downright bizarre because I doubt I'll ever be able to think of myself as an adult, despite the number. Age is just a number.

***

FROM 'ZWARTBOEK' : "Destroy me." in my head, non-stop. "Destroy me." as an above-the-Earth plea/order/stimulation whispered in the ear in the voice of a film heroine right before slipping into a parallel reality in which time doesn't exist but is at the same time the only thing that really disappears. For this reason, even the purest "Destroy me." is meaningless because the moment of final oblivion keeps laughing in the face of my inhuman efforts and when I run run run to catch it, it escapes me with such easiness and grace that I am not sure any more why I thought I was capable of reaching it in the first place. Occupied with achieving something I can't have, I fail to see that those images are becoming more intense with each new step on the path of destruction and again I reach the beginning. "Destroy me." is meaningless for one more reason: I am already destroyed. — Appetite for (self)destruction has always fascinated me because I have never been able to grasp it in its entirety, although I came very close a few times — bad things happened but I was strong so I was able to get out with no consequences except lynched memories. I would like to understand all dimensions of human functionality, but it's probably not right to force it. When I was 4, I was very self-conscious and wanted to know everything. My biggest pet peeve was having to listen to adults saying "You're too young" endlessly. When asked what I wanted to become in life, I would reply "Adult." And now that I'm on the road to becoming one, I have realized that I might have been mistaken all this time.